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One Gazelle in All the World

Title:   One Gazelle in All the World
Author:  Spuffy_luvr
Rating:  R
Word Count:  890
Summary:  The Serengeti-verse
Prompt:  On the plains of the Serengeti, the circle of life continues.

Hopefully this isn't too weird...

Jeff Corwin is (was?) the host of a nature show on Animal Planet.  I thought about going with the Crocodile Hunter, but didn't feel up to writing in Aussie.

          Jeff Corwin crawled through the tall grasses, his intrepid camera man at his heels.  “Sweet,” he murmured in awe, eyes locked on the sight below him.  “Dave, man, we’ve got to get this.”

          Dave nodded and slowly brought the camera up, angling it to avoid catching the sun’s glare on the lens.  He held up three fingers, counting down.

          Looking reverentially into the camera, Jeff began in a hushed voice, “Here on the plains of the Serengeti, the circle of life continues.  We have been tracking this pride of lions for three weeks now, but this is the first time we have captured these lethal predators engaged in the hunt.”

          The camera panned away, revealing three lionesses crouched low in the valley below, circling a herd of gazelle.  At a distance, a large male lion lay upon a rock, sunning himself indolently, younger cubs and lions lazing and frolicking nearby.

          Jeff’s sotto voice continued.  “Uh-oh.  The youngest of the huntresses, the one we’ve called Harmony, is too undisciplined to wait any longer.  See her rushing forward, heading for a young gazelle that is on the outskirts of the herd?”  The camera followed her movements, catching Harmony’s abortive attempt to pounce and trap the animal.  Now realizing the danger they were in, the herd fled.

          “Drusilla has taken charge.  Watch her move.  Observe the animal cunning in her yellow eyes as she stares down her prey, frightening it so that it can’t even move.”  The camera zoomed in on the lioness, who did indeed seem to have a gazelle held in her thrall.  The huntress licked her salivating chops and prepared to spring.  

“Even from here, you can sense the terror of the prey as it waits for that final moment.  Nature is a harsh mistress, but there is beauty and redemption in the violence.  Without this animal’s death, the lions cannot live, cannot feed their young.  It is as nature intended it to be.”

Jeff nodded to himself, pleased with his narrative, and quieted to let the action do the talking.

That plan didn’t last long.  Just as Drusilla leapt, another gazelle sprang from the grass to block her, small hooves striking the lioness in the chest.  “What the fuck?” Dave shouted.

Glaring at his cameraman, Jeff raised himself up to see better.  The small gazelle seemed to be, well… kicking the crap out of Drusilla.  The TV star shook off his disbelief and adapted to the situation.  “Keep filming,” he hissed.  Smoothing his voice out, he exclaimed, “I can’t believe what we’re seeing here.  It seems as though one of the herd has decided to fight back!  This is incredible!  Perhaps we are the first to witness a moment in evolution!”

Jeff continued to narrate as the small gazelle kicked at the lioness, apparently pawing her into submission.  And then… “Did you see that?  That tiny animal just killed the lioness!  Twisted her head and stabbed her horns into her the much larger animal’s heart!  Holy shit!” he let out, unable to stop himself.  “Imagine how strong she must be?  How buff her muscles must be to accomplish a feat like that!”  Jeff was spraying spittle everywhere in his excitement.

“Oh no, Harmony and the other lioness are approaching little Buffy now.  What will happen when she faces off with two predators?”  Little Buffy was apparently more than capable of holding her own.  Within minutes, two more sets of cold yellow eyes were forever dulled.  Jeff tugged on Dave’s arm and motioned for him to swing the camera towards the rest of the pride.

The male lion was pacing agitatedly, sniffing at the air, shaking out a mane so pale as to appear bleached.  With a roar, he headed towards his downed mate.  “Oh, Buff’s dead, man,” Dave babbled in fear.  Jeff himself was speechless, watching as the powerful lion loped towards the little gazelle at top speed.

“The lion we have christened Spike seems to have realized that something is wrong.  Can Buffy survive an encounter with this brutal killer?”  Spike was known for killing the animals of the Serengeti in a way that could only be described as for fun, rather than for food.  He was a vicious, bloodthirsty animal that would have been put down if his territory had been anywhere near a human settlement.

Buffy met Spike head on, hooves flashing, his slavering fangs gnashing.  As the larger animal sank his teeth into her neck, Jeff wished he could interfere somehow, save the brave little gazelle.  Before his stunned eyes, the lion was flipped over.  Somehow Buffy had reversed their positions and was now…

“Jeff, is that gazelle really biting Spike’s throat?” Dave whimpered, his question almost drowned out by a triumphant snort the gazelle sent ringing across the plains.  “Tell me you’re seeing this too?”

“God, nobody is going to believe this,” Jeff muttered.  “Nobody is going to…”  His eyes widened and he clutched at his chest in shock.  Dave gave off a strangled cry.  They turned to stare at each other.  “This can’t be fucking real!” they proclaimed in unison.

Together they slowly turned back to watch what could never be shown on Animal Planet.  As one, they tipped their heads in amazement.  

Insane laughter bubbling out of his mouth, Jeff wondered how much the Playboy channel would pay to use this footage.



( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 16th, 2012 12:00 pm (UTC)
Heeeee!!! This is fabulous. :D
Aug. 16th, 2012 09:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Aug. 16th, 2012 12:44 pm (UTC)
ROFL Crack fic at its best! This will have to join penguin fics as a genre. Loved it.
Aug. 16th, 2012 09:34 pm (UTC)
Thanks! It was the knowledge of the penguin-verse and the butterfly-verse that gave me the courage to try it!
Aug. 16th, 2012 11:31 pm (UTC)
There's a butterfly-verse?!
Aug. 17th, 2012 01:23 am (UTC)
It was a short little story where they were both butterflies... I don't remember where I saw it, but I'm sure somebody here knows.
Aug. 16th, 2012 03:57 pm (UTC)
Brightened up my morning with your amusing tale.
Aug. 16th, 2012 09:35 pm (UTC)
Why, thank you!
Aug. 16th, 2012 04:24 pm (UTC)

Oh lordy. That was... that was... yeah.

Well written! *clap clap*
Aug. 16th, 2012 09:35 pm (UTC)
I like speechlessness! Thanks!
Aug. 16th, 2012 04:34 pm (UTC)
This is PURE PERFECTION. Amazing! :3
Aug. 16th, 2012 09:35 pm (UTC)
Awww, thank you!
Aug. 16th, 2012 05:25 pm (UTC)
Hee! Great stuff!
Aug. 16th, 2012 09:36 pm (UTC)
Thanks :)
Aug. 16th, 2012 07:43 pm (UTC)
Oh I just giggled s much. Wonderful.
Aug. 16th, 2012 09:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Aug. 17th, 2012 04:12 am (UTC)

Reminds me very much of the "vampire as lion" argument regarding morality of vampires killing humans to eat.

Plus, crack.
Aug. 17th, 2012 07:33 am (UTC)
But what about the morality of cross-species fornication? :)
Aug. 17th, 2012 04:56 pm (UTC)
Aug. 17th, 2012 06:38 pm (UTC)
Aug. 17th, 2012 06:25 pm (UTC)
This really was adorable. Thanks so much for writing it. Just a delight to read!
Aug. 17th, 2012 06:38 pm (UTC)
Aw, thanks!
Apr. 22nd, 2017 08:55 am (UTC)
Ohhh, this is amazing!!! Love the POV! Drusilla has THRALL! :D And the ending is just perfect. XD
I think it's important that Buffy and Spike are natural enemies (and their relationship is unexpected and more or less outrageous). If the Penguin!verse COULD have flaws, I'd say its biggest flaw was that making them both penguins cancels a lot of the tension that is there in canon.

*grins at your canon parallels*
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )


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