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Everything Would be What it Isn't

Title: Everything Would be What it Isn't
Rating: pg-13
Prompt: The Jabberwocky
Setting: early seasons
A/N: There was worldbuilding. But it turns out that 1000 words just isn't enough for worldbuilding and storytelling. Who knew. Anyway, I actually do have an explanation for everything that happens, and if you want to know anything let me know!
Summary: The Slayer before Buffy died while failing to prevent a hell-on-earth apocalypse. Buffy and a handful of white hats are hiding out in L.A. trying to beat back the demons and protect the dwindling humans. An attempt at gaining new ranks ends up with Spike and Drusilla on the doorstep. Each section is 100 words except the last which is 300. Title is a quote from AiW, and the song is Long Time Jerk by The Clash

“We’re already outnumbered. It’ll be ten to one by Christmas.”

Angel nodded. “We need fresh blood.”

Buffy’s eyebrows shot up.

He cleared his throat. “Metaphorically speaking. Stop looking at me like that! You knew what I meant.”

Buffy took pity on him. “Yeah. But there aren’t many humans left. What we need are more guys like you. And Lorne and Doyle. Too bad we can’t figure out how to work that soul mojo on a bunch of vamps at a time.”

Giles spoke up from his place at corner table. “I may know a way. But it will be difficult.”


“For heaven’s sake Ethan! You worship chaos! Turning demons against their nature will surely be chaotic.”

Giles voice rang out across the bar of Caritas. Buffy glanced over her shoulder, and locked eyes with Gunn. She shrugged, and he returned to sharpening his knives. She turned back to Ethan Rayne. Two weeks, it had taken to find him. Two weeks, and all of the magic Michael could muster. Two weeks of dwindling white hats. And after all of that, Ethan was refusing to play. Buffy had had it. She grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back.

“Help us.”


The spell wasn’t doing what they’d hoped. Angel had warned them of course. It had been over a century since he’d been actively siring vampires. There was no telling how many of them were dust. And the ones that were still around had no way of knowing that their similarly afflicted sire was waiting to help them in L.A. So far, the only potential allies that had shown up were a sickening pair, named James and Elizabeth. Unfortunately, once they learned they would be expected to fight Darla; they fled, leaving the crew at Caritas as hard up as ever.


“Look there. It’s the golden girl. She’ll help us.”

Buffy whirled, raising her crossbow, and came face to face with two vampires. The male raised his hands, sliding into human visage.

“Easy now. Just want to talk.”


“Dru here, says you can get us to Angel. We need to see him.”


“Last I heard Angel was still down with a bad case of soul. Seems it’s spread to my lady.”

“Not you?”

“Just her.”

Buffy didn’t lower her weapon. “You two walk in front of me. Try anything and I stake you.”

“What’s your name?”

“Buffy. Yours?”



“You’re out of your minds! What were you thinking, jamming souls in all willy-nilly?”

“Spike.” Angel growled. “Knock it off.”

“No! Not until you explain-“

Drusilla placed a hand on his arm. “Spike-”

He shrugged her off and pinned Angel to the bar, by his throat.

“Bastard. How’re we supposed to survive in this world, when she refuses to bite?”

Fingers dug into his bicep, and he spun to face the Slayer, her fist connecting with his face. He hit back. Their brawl ended on the floor, her holding a stake to his heart. But she didn’t push it through.


Buffy’s making a list of depleted supplies when Spike finds her. He doesn’t say anything, just starts picking up rations, and moving them around so she has to triple check before she writes anything on the list. When ignoring him doesn’t work, she wrenches a can of beans from his hands and drops it on his foot.

“Ow! Bitch.”

He cocks his head. “Why do you put up with me? Don’t have a soul.”

“Angel says you’d do anything for Drusilla. And that makes you a non-threat. I believe him.”

“I love her.”

“Maybe. But she doesn’t love you.”




“Got news.”

“You know there are awake people you could tell, right? People on night duty?”

“Dru and Angel are gone.”

She’s up. “What?”

“Souls’ve gone. They’re off to Darla’s.”

She’s inching away from him, hand going for the stake under her pillow.

“Why aren’t you with them?”

He’s not sure. So gives her what he can, and it’s mostly true.

“Demons don’t like me. You lot don’t like me. I leave and I’m dead in a week. But if I’m helpful, and play by your rules, I figure I can stay alive.”

“Stay here.”

And she bolts.


Lorne is helping pour through books for any mention of soul curses, when Spike strolls into the room. Giles leaps up, but Buffy doesn’t even look away from her text.

“I told you to stay put.”

“Got bored.”

Giles is spluttering, and Lorne’s head is spinning, but eventually the whole story comes out. Spike tipped Buffy off about the souls, and now he wants to help in exchange for not being killed. It sounds reasonable enough, but Giles is shifting into Watcher mode, and the way Buffy is rolling her eyes is almost age-appropriate.

“Sing something.”

“Excuse me?”

Buffy’s face splits in a rare grin. “Good idea! Giles, if he’s lying Lorne will be able to tell.”

“Yes, but… Why does it matter Buffy?”

She’s back to cold. “We need the help. Spike. Do it.”

“What do I sing? Haven’t exactly heard much music lately.”

He’s right, unfortunately. Radio broadcasts disappeared with civilization. “Whatever pops in your head. I did Drusilla when she got here, remember?”

Confused and warbling nursery rhymes bless her- never mind.

Spike stands still for a moment, and then;

“Long time jerk
She hit me where it hurts
Oh I felt my heart
Now my heart will burst”

And Lorne may need to sit down. Because this is hell, and Pylea is starting to look like a nice place to live, and they just do not have time for star-crossed right now.

“I've forgotten how to worry
And I don't know how to run
Against the odds I realize
This struggle could be fun!”

Buffy blinks, then turns to Lorne. “Well?”

“All yours Pumpkin.” Even if you two don’t know it yet.


Six months later when they walk in on Buffy and Spike mostly naked on the bar top, Lorne is the only one not surprised.


( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 28th, 2011 06:27 am (UTC)
The idea of the Scoobies and certain Fang Gang members (there can never be too much Lorne appreciation) working together is great, and I love the ending, staring from "And Lorne may need." The last line is especially hilarious and adorable.
May. 28th, 2011 06:34 am (UTC)
Thanks! I had so many backstory plans for this, and then I remembered the word limit... I'm glad it was enjoyed.
May. 28th, 2011 09:25 am (UTC)
I'm in love with your story. So much imagination! Such a great plot, clever use of canon, great character voices. Brilliant!
May. 28th, 2011 09:54 am (UTC)
Wow. Thank you!
May. 28th, 2011 10:48 am (UTC)
Ooh, very nice AU, because it skews sideways from canon so well.
May. 29th, 2011 03:52 am (UTC)
May. 28th, 2011 11:03 am (UTC)
Hee!! Oh, this is such a great AU, I love it. Spike voluntarily going against his nature, Buffy being violent with beans, Lorne being Lorne - it's all excellent. :D

I'm curious about the reason Angel and Dru lost their souls (did they find happiness together??! :O ), and would love to know the answer!
May. 28th, 2011 03:09 pm (UTC)
I imagine pennance/forgiveness. I see Angel loosing his soul easily if his most monstrous creation forgives him. (That, plus virgin-sex: He's soulful Dru's first, i assume...)
May. 28th, 2011 05:26 pm (UTC)
I figured the magic had gone bad somehow and all the good, soulled vampires had gone to the dark side. Probably some scheme of Ethan, who doesn't appreciate being forced, you know.

At least, that's what my mind filled in the blanks. *g*
May. 29th, 2011 04:05 am (UTC)
Thank you! In my head, the reason they lost their souls was that Angel, after feeling so alone for so many years finally had someone who understood how it felt and the fact that Drusilla could forgive him and empathize with him pushed him over the edge. And for Dru, she finally got the apology she wanted and she had genuine affection from "daddy" that wasn't violent or cruel. They already have the whole sire/sired bond going and now being two souled vampires strengthens it. I was picturing it as kind of like their relationship in S2 but the opposite. Dru becomes good and they grow closer over atonement instead of Angel going bad and bonding over violence. Angel and Buffy don't have a relationship, so the first person Angel really loves is the souled drusilla, and she's always loved him so when they finally get around to the loving, soulful sex they both end up with perfect happiness. Does that make sense? After I wrote it out it seems kind of odd and convoluted...
May. 29th, 2011 10:49 am (UTC)
No, that does make sense - and it's the sort of thing I was thinking!
May. 28th, 2011 01:55 pm (UTC)
Ohhhhh! This is fabulously excellently wonderful, and there needs to be much more of it! I adore wacky AU's from canon like this, and this is a doozy. Ethan, the uncomfortable truce with Spike, Dru with a soul (I'm always intrigued to see this concept), Lorne... It's wonderful. I would dearly love to see an expansion of this or a sequel or something.
May. 29th, 2011 04:11 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I could probably turn this into at least novella length, with just the stuff in my head that I couldn't use to write this. I'm neurotic about AUs and making sure I can explain the why of things, so I actually have an absurd amount of notes for a story that's only 1000 words. On the other hand, I have no time, and not much plot. But there's a pretty good chance this will get expanded someday.
May. 28th, 2011 02:09 pm (UTC)
Fantastic. Completely fantastic!

May. 29th, 2011 04:11 am (UTC)
Thank you!
May. 28th, 2011 02:09 pm (UTC)
Wonderful! A whole world different, yet the same. The mixing of the Ats people [especially Lorne] with Buffy's filled so many parts of the story.

Loved Drusilla being remembered by Lorne: Confused and warbling nursery rhymes bless her-

And befittingly, Spike and Buffy meet, fight and overcome so many obstacles. Terrific.
May. 29th, 2011 04:12 am (UTC)
Thank you! I love mixing up buffyverse characters, and everything is better with Lorne. :)
May. 29th, 2011 01:48 am (UTC)
Brilliant! Love Lorne's reaction. Especially that he keeps it to himself.
May. 29th, 2011 04:14 am (UTC)
Thank you! I thought about making him bring it up, but really what can you say? "Just to let you know, the soulless vampire is going to fall in love with the Slayer, but be a dear and don't tell him because he doesn't know yet."
May. 29th, 2011 04:23 am (UTC)
I would kill for a novel in this setting...
May. 29th, 2011 04:32 am (UTC)
I would kill for the time to write it. And I really, really want to write it. So there's an ever-increasing chance that it will be written. Although now the list of RL things that need to get done is staring at me accusingly...
May. 29th, 2011 07:46 am (UTC)
OMG! And awesome world-building it is!

I love this AU; I want to have it's little fic-babies. Lorne! Doyle! Ethan! Lorne! James & Elizabeth! And Lorne! (there just can't be enough Lorne IMO)

And Lorne may need to sit down. Because this is hell, and Pylea is starting to look like a nice place to live, and they just do not have time for star-crossed right now.

Have I mentioned before now that I'm so glad you decided to write Buffy fic? This story just made my very long day so much brighter!
May. 31st, 2011 10:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you! There truly is no such thing as too much Lorne.
Jun. 8th, 2011 12:54 pm (UTC)
Too. Much. Fun. I would read the world's longest epic set in this universe. :D
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )


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