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Queen of Hearts

I couldn't let all these lovely Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass prompts go by without trying to write something for them, so here's another snippet of bizarre domestic bliss from my Wedding from Hellverse series. Probably a bit incomprehensible, if you don't know the set-up, which is that Buffy and Spike's engagement in Something Blue came to its logical conclusion (well, one of them - ie. they actually got married. I suppose killing each other would have been equally logical).

Setting: Bizarro World version of BtVS season 4, post-Something Blue.
Rating: Pg-13
Pairing: Mr and Mrs The Bloody-Summers
500 words
For the prompt: Jam Tarts

Queen of Hearts



"Come on, love," Spike said, in a cajoling tone. "Was evil, remember, when I said your Thanksgiving dinner looked like crap? An' it's not like I care whether you can cook or not, is it? One, vampire here, two, you're the Slayer, not sodding Doris Day. Why should you care either?"

Buffy just scowled. "Doris who? And newsflash. You're still evil. Even though you're my husband."

They did a simultaneous double take at this, but then Buffy gestured at the plate balanced precariously on Spike's knee. "Go on. Try one."

Spike sighed. He looked at the jam tarts again. They really weren't very appetising. Some of them were burnt. Some had too much jam in them, and some had barely any. And the jam was way too red, and smelt sort of weird and not that jammy. Buffy might be his goddess, but domestic goddess she was not.

He played for time. "Why d'you Yanks call jam tarts fruit tarts anyway?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Cuz they're made out of fruit, dummy. Why do you think?"

Spike tipped his head to the side, examining the tarts at an oblique angle, as if that might improve matters.

"Can't see any fruit myself. Where is it?"

Buffy's voice dropped to a growl. "It's strawberry jam, okay? Out of a jar? Last I looked, strawberries are fruit."

Spike grimaced. "Explains the colour. Looks like they have blood in 'em." He looked up hopefully. "Do they have blood in them?"

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Eww! No! The jar was kind of old, now you mention it, and the label was spoiled. I couldn't read it. But it's jam. Definitely jam."

"Pity." Spike picked up a tart. He licked it gingerly. Then, his eyes widened and he stuck the whole thing in his mouth and munched. "Yum!"

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "You're just saying that."

Spike reached for a second tart. "No, I'm not. They're delicious."

"In that case…." Buffy snatched the plate away and held it out of his reach.

"Oh come on, Slayer. Gimme another." Spike attempted to get up, but with Buffy's foot planted in the centre of his chest, it was impossible. He made his eyes big. "No fair."

Buffy wagged her finger at him. "They're not for you. I invited Willow and Tara over. We're gonna have a girls' night in. Vampires strictly not invited. You can go patrol. After you've cleaned up the kitchen, that is."

With that, she turned and headed for the door. "I'll come check on you later. And hurry up, before Mom gets back. You know how she hates mess."

Spike watched her go with a sulky expression on his face. But then he shrugged. At least he'd avoided saying sorry. And if the Slayer's mates turned out not to be as keen on jam tarts filled with hot pepper sauce as he was, that wasn't his fault, was it?

He shook his head fondly as the door shut behind Buffy.

"Jammy tart," he said.



Britslang definitions

jammy
1. Lucky. 2. Pleasant or desirable.

tart
Commonly a prostitute or term of abuse but also used affectionately for a lover. Shortened version of sweetheart.

Comments

( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
sueworld2003
May. 13th, 2011 03:50 pm (UTC)
"He looked up hopefully. "Do they have blood in them?"

Aww bless his wicked wee self. *g* That was wonderful. :D
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:23 am (UTC)
Thanks, Sue. :)
whichclothes
May. 13th, 2011 03:56 pm (UTC)
LOL! That was just wonderful.
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:24 am (UTC)
:) Glad you liked it, love.
gryfndor_godess
May. 13th, 2011 04:00 pm (UTC)
Aw, that's adorable! I love the twist with the pepper sauce.
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:25 am (UTC)
Thank you. Poor Buffy! I'm sure she's not nearly as hopeless in the kitchen as I made her out to be.
rahirah
May. 13th, 2011 04:01 pm (UTC)
Bwah!
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:25 am (UTC)
:)
elisi
May. 13th, 2011 04:03 pm (UTC)
LOL!

There is no bad here. Not an iota! :D
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:26 am (UTC)
We-ell, it does expect you to have to accept that Buffy not only can't cook but has no sense of smell whatsoever, but thank you. :)
quinara
May. 13th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
Heeeee!! This is a win win, really, then; Buffy gets to be proud of her cooking and Spike gets to eat all the products. (Does Dawn get created in your 'verse, BTW? Because this sounds right up her alley.)
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:28 am (UTC)
Glad you liked it. :)

Dawn could potentially appear. She just hasn't yet because of the series being set in season 4.

Now I'm imagining her and Buffy having a big argument about how the wedding had to be retconned to fit Dawn in and that Drusilla is still sulking because she didn't get to be bridesmaid after all.
louise39
May. 13th, 2011 04:46 pm (UTC)
jammy tart

thanks for the translation!

:giggle:
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:29 am (UTC)
:) Glad you enjoyed it.
petzipellepingo
May. 13th, 2011 05:00 pm (UTC)
At least he'd avoided saying sorry. And if the Slayer's mates turned out not to be as keen on jam tarts filled with hot pepper sauce as he was, that wasn't his fault, was it?


"snorfles"
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:29 am (UTC)
:)
lutamira
May. 13th, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
:) so good!
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:29 am (UTC)
:) Thank you.
rebcake
May. 13th, 2011 06:29 pm (UTC)
I was unaccountably disappointed that there was no blood in the tarts...but then it was hot sauce, so that's okay! However, I think my favorite bit was:

"Oh come on, Slayer. Gimme another." Spike attempted to get up, but with Buffy's foot planted in the centre of his chest, it was impossible.

Heh. Foreplay!
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:31 am (UTC)
Oh totally. I'm sure next time Buffy makes them she'll put blood in them. After all, it may be weird love, but it's still love. :)
moscow_watcher
May. 13th, 2011 07:05 pm (UTC)
Heee!!!

That's my Buffy and Spike! Thank you so much for making me laugh!
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:31 am (UTC)
My pleasure. :)
genericmarn
May. 13th, 2011 10:52 pm (UTC)
Too cute! The tone is perfect for the timeframe.
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:32 am (UTC)
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. :)
yourlibrarian
May. 13th, 2011 11:50 pm (UTC)
Ha, Spike as guinea pig for the girls -- rather clever of Buffy really :D
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 11:32 am (UTC)
Well, yes, though the experiment may have backfired on her somewhat. :)
anviloverheaven
May. 14th, 2011 12:10 pm (UTC)
Wedding from Hellverse is awesome!!

Hot sauce...heh heh...
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 02:21 pm (UTC)
:) Heh! Yes, Buffy must have lost her sense of smell at some point.
zanthinegirl
May. 14th, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
Hee!

I do enjoy this little series Always good to see more!
shapinglight
May. 14th, 2011 06:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I enjoy writing it. :)
singedbylife
Jan. 26th, 2013 07:48 pm (UTC)
LOL! Why didn't I read this when you wrote it? Should've read your evil twin's good twin's stories much earlier!
shapinglight
Feb. 11th, 2013 04:34 pm (UTC)
You probably just missed it. Glad you enjoyed it anyway.
( 32 comments — Leave a comment )

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