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'Tourist Trap' by Quinara

Apparently I'm on a roll (who would have guessed, with this being Magical Creatures Week? I know I'm surprised...), so here is a sequel to my fic about the kraken, Deep Sea Rescue. Still PG, still post-series/halfway through Angel S5, but we're beyond reunion into established relationship territory now. Exactly 1000 words according to Word and it contains a DRAGON. None of the AO3 warnings apply.

Spike wants a feat of virility to prove himself to Buffy. Dragon-slaying's always a good one, right?

Tourist Trap.

Why was it that every plan he had inevitably went tits up?

After the spectacular failure of their reunion, during which his dashing and irresistible physique had suffered some rather miserable setbacks, leaving him quite possibly whimpering in Buffy’s arms about how the salt hurt and he loved her more than unlife itself – and definitely leaving Faith unable to look at him with any more sex than you’d offer a moulting budgerigar (shame, that) – Spike had really wanted to do something manly. Preferably with Buffy at his side, complimenting his muscles and wisecracks as she executed some damned fine moves of her own, but he wasn’t fussy.

And so, when the reports came of a dragon down in Dover terrorising the ramblers, he’d been up nay eager for the challenge. He’d strategically convinced Buffy of his reflexes and stamina, all vital for dragon slaying, and they’d come down from London on the train. One aborted attempt at joining the not-a-mile-high-but-still-in-a-loo club later (the urine smell had been too strong), they’d arrived and set about getting to the white cliffs for their quest.

Now? It was half past ten and they were lost.

“The map says it’s this way!” Buffy insisted loudly, waving the Maglite in her mittens, first over the blustering paper and then aggressively in his face. “We’re here, next to Number Four, with the edge on our right, and the reports are coming from that way, towards the lighthouse.”

“The edge is on our left, Buffy,” Spike told her, not without exasperation. “You can hear the bloody sea…” Howling and crashing and salty – and why were they by the sea again?

Buffy cut through the sound, “But it’s not! We’re heading northeast, right, and that –” She pointed up. “Is the North Star!”

“I feel like I’m a bad sketch…” His hands itched for a cigarette; the way the wind was squalling made it unlikely he’d get one any time soon. “Did you not look out the window today? Cloud, cloud and more bloody cloud – it’s February! That star’ll be some lucky buggers flying to the Algarve or –”

“Fine! You get us there, smart guy!” And then she shoved the map in his chest, winding him with the knuckles that accompanied it. Bitch. Why were they even –


Oh yeah. Dragon.

They turned to face it just as it breathed a blinding jet of magnesium-white flame across the grass, which was nonetheless so damp it barely smouldered. Defeating the marks on his vision with a smooth change into his demon face, Spike dropped the map into the wind and unsheathed the sword across his back.

Buffy’s own sword was in her tight mittened grasp, the torch tucked into a handy loop on her rucksack. “Nice try, Norbert,” she challenged.

He had to cut in. “Norbert?”

“Yeah.” Buffy shrugged. “I finally read those books. Charlie’s way the hottest Weasley.”

Right, that settled it. If he didn’t come out of this with at least his dignity intact he was never going to get her into bed again. “Yeah, dragon!” he yelled, trying to minimise his fang-lisp as much as possible. “You want a piece of my steel?”

“You’re not a subtle man, are you, hon?”

“GRRRRRAAARRRGGGHHH!” was all the dragon would say, again, shooting more flames across the grass but still finishing more than a foot away from them. Spike’s demon eyes could deal with the light now, and it seemed ever so slightly pathetic.

Especially as it made no other move.

“Are you gonna do that all night?” Spike asked, letting his sword drop slightly. It wasn’t fair attacking first, not really. Maybe.

With a snort, the dragon puffed some white smoke between them. Somehow, probably magic, it lit up the air, showing off the dragon’s chalk-white and grey body, stout and muscular legs, folded wings. Then it narrowed its eyes, seemingly in an expression of discontent.

“Can you understand what we’re saying?” Buffy asked carefully, taking a step forwards.

Surprised, the dragon reared back like a startled horse, streaming more white light towards the ground in front of it, so Buffy was forced to throw an arm across her face. Perfect moment for gallantry.

Spike stepped forward towards the flame, slipping his sword back over his shoulder into the scabbard. “Now, dragon,” he said, as its stubby forelegs landed back on the ground, “if you don’t want to hurt us then we don’t want to hurt you. But you’ll put the National Trust out of business if you keep on like this, and they’re the ones keeping your habitat all nice and habitable. Not too clever, that.”

Growling as if to prove how unimpressed it was, the dragon tilted its head to one side, projecting a tone not unlike the immortal challenge, Answer me these questions three...

“Seriously, mate, there are other options.” Spike thought quickly. “I mean, how much treasure do your scarpering tourists leave anyway? What you really want is a pool, on the beach or something; drop a few pennies and appear in the corner of their eye. Hey, presto, instant treasure stream. I mean…” He turned to Buffy, who was looking at him with bemusement. “Ask her – she’s American; they love that stuff.”

“Oh yeah,” Buffy confirmed, in a way that told him he was going to get it later (and not the good one). “Sure.”

Despite her lack of enthusiasm, it seemed to do the trick. The dragon stared them for a moment (contemplating?), before abruptly taking flight with a whip and a flap of its wings, gliding past their heads. Job done. Potentially.

Later that night, when they were back in their bed, snug and cosy, Spike tried to wheedle his way past Buffy’s grump. “But I rehabilitated it! I was good!”

“Yeah,” Buffy whinged, “but… I wanted to fight something,” came the revelation. “You’re cute when you’re all sword-swingy…”

She felt the same way? “Oh,” he replied, cheered and rolling over to make her giggle. “Well, that can be arranged…”



( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 13th, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC)
Hooray! They didn't slay the dragon! Love it.
Apr. 13th, 2011 12:49 pm (UTC)
Yay, thanks! This fic definitely needs a footnote to stultiloquentia's awesome dragon fic Urban Wildlife, which has a similar sort of solution, but after BMB's cruel slaughter of her dragon, I could hardly have more bloodshed!! :P
Apr. 14th, 2011 09:36 am (UTC)

quinara: soft on dragons, soft on the causes of dragons.

But this made me laugh quite a lot, so you are forgiven.
Apr. 14th, 2011 10:01 am (UTC)
I am a friend to the dragons, it must be said, ill-advised though that may be...

But hooray!! I'm glad there was laughter. :D
Apr. 15th, 2011 04:38 am (UTC)
Yes! This! So unexpected and lovely.
Apr. 15th, 2011 07:33 am (UTC)
Aww, thank you!! Sometimes dragons just need advice... :D
Apr. 13th, 2011 02:05 pm (UTC)
A sequel!! You are are on roll, and it's quite impressive.

during which his dashing and irresistible physique had suffered some rather miserable setbacks, leaving him quite possibly whimpering in Buffy’s arms about how the salt hurt and he loved her more than unlife itself

I was both snickering and going 'awe' in my head. Excellent combination, that.

He had to cut in. “Norbert?”
“Yeah.” Buffy shrugged. “I finally read those books. Charlie’s way the hottest Weasley.”

Shouldn't it be Norberta, though? :) Hee, Buffy liking Charlie best makes perfect sense. Lovely series- think you'll try for the other creatures?
Apr. 13th, 2011 02:37 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you!! I'm so glad I could maintain momentum (these are just fun to write, can you tell?).

And, hee - it's only 2004, so nobody knows the secret about Norbert yet! Dawn made Buffy read after obsessing over Order of the Phoenix, so she's not that well versed in everything, but has been forced to come up with answers to essential questions... I would love to try the other creatures, if I can work out things to do with them! *puts thinking hat on*
Apr. 13th, 2011 02:50 pm (UTC)
And, hee - it's only 2004, so nobody knows the secret about Norbert yet!

Ahh, of course! *claps hand to head and feels dumb*

I'm glad you're having fun (and being uber-productive) with these prompts. I thought it would be a barren month at Fag Ends what with S_S and the DDoS attacks.
Apr. 13th, 2011 03:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, don't feel dumb! It's also entirely possible I actually forgot that piece of information and just happened to be lucky that it was in DH... *is a bad HP fan*

Me too, actually, but there's a certain quality of uni stress that always pushes me towards writing, and it just so happens it's happening now. :/
Apr. 13th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
aw! Poor Spike, he's having quite a time being manly! hee hee

The dragon sounds so cute! OMG!

Apr. 13th, 2011 02:41 pm (UTC)
:D I think Spike's work is definitely cut out for him (and Buffy's far too entertained to put a stop to it).

And heh, I always seem to fall short of writing really scary dragons - but there needs to be moarr of them! I can't let them be evil and killed off!
Apr. 13th, 2011 03:37 pm (UTC)
Yay for Spike safeguarding my National Trust membership from dragons. And the rehabilitation, of course. That was good.
Apr. 13th, 2011 03:50 pm (UTC)
Definite yay! Up next, the peak district! And thank you. :)
Apr. 13th, 2011 05:45 pm (UTC)
“I finally read those books. Charlie’s way the hottest Weasley.”

DYING at the perfection of this. So. Incredibly. Buffy.

“You’re not a subtle man, are you, hon?”

Has he ever been? That's why we love him!

AND THE ENDING. SO MUCH LOVE. I'm grinning like a loon!

Apr. 14th, 2011 08:23 am (UTC)
Buffy may have a thing for people who can deal with wild beasts... :D

Anyway, YAY!! Really glad you enjoyed - thanks! :)
Apr. 13th, 2011 05:50 pm (UTC)
Heh. "I am the greatest swordsman in all France this hotel room." I suspect it reflects badly on me that I always laugh at "sword" jokes...

Comparing his dashing and irresistible physique to a moulting budgerigar is sorta mean, and really funny. Poor guy. Of course, part of his charm is his constant manly posturing, when we all know what a softie he is. When he starts teasing the other boys with his gender-bending taunts, we'll know he's on the mend.

Great good fun, sweetie!
Apr. 14th, 2011 08:26 am (UTC)
Nah, I think it probably reflects badly on me that I make 'sword' jokes (and weapon jokes and...). ;)

Thank you! I can't resist poking fun at poor Spikey, because I think he can take it - glad you enjoyed it too.
Apr. 14th, 2011 12:18 am (UTC)
Hee! Very nice. :)
Apr. 14th, 2011 08:26 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
Apr. 14th, 2011 02:12 am (UTC)
fantastic sequel! I love that Spike is afraid of the ocean.
Apr. 14th, 2011 08:27 am (UTC)
Thanks very much! I think Spike may be a wee bit nervy around water for a while, poor thing...
Apr. 14th, 2011 01:41 pm (UTC)
Spuffy the dragon-tamer. Lovely story. The last lines are priceless! :)
Apr. 14th, 2011 02:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks very much! I don't have a particularly sophisticated sense of humour... ;)
Apr. 15th, 2011 01:19 am (UTC)
How perfect. The dragon gets to live, and Spike gets to be a hero (and gets laid). I love this community!
Apr. 15th, 2011 07:34 am (UTC)
Thank you!! Really glad you liked it. :)
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )


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