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Like Mother, Like Daughter

I've written a very silly ficlet for the Crime and Punishment theme. It's part of my Wedding From Hellverse series, and if you haven't read those, it probably won't make a lot of sense. The characterisation in particular will seem insane. But then that's the thing about the Wedding From Hellverse. Everyone went sort of bonkers during Something Blue and they've stayed that way ever since.

Setting: An AU BtVS season 4, some indeteriminate time after Something Blue
Rating: PG-13, for a bit of suggestive naughtiness
Pairing: Spike/Buffy (a shock, I know)
For the prompt: Traffic Offence
500 words

Like Mother, Like Daughter



Buffy paced the length of the crypt for what must be the hundredth time.

"This is sooo embarrassing!"

Spike hid a discreet yawn. Taking his cigarettes out of his jeans pocket, he stuck a fag in his mouth, but put it back with a disgruntled snort, when Buffy subjected him to her death-ray stare.

"No smoking when I'm pacing."

"Sorry, love." He motioned her to carry on. She glared at him, but did so. Back and forth, back and forth. "Sooo embarrassing!" she wailed again.

It seemed like a storm in a teacup to Spike, but best to keep that to himself when the Slayer was on a tear. He put on a suitably grave expression. "Yeah," he agreed. "Very embarrassing."

Buffy stopped her pacing and subjected him to another withering glare. "I knew you wouldn't understand!"

"'Course I understand!" Spike glared back this time – if in doubt, bluster. "We got caught by the local rozzers having public sex on the bonnet of their patrol car. S'embarrassing. Even vampires get that."

Fun, though, he thought, but didn't say.

Buffy flopped down in the sagging old armchair, sending up clouds of dust. "It's not that!" she wailed. "You don't get it at all."

Spike threw up his hands. Bloody humans – even if they were – inexplicably- his wife. "All right, then. You explain it to me. What am I not getting?"

Buffy gave him a look – hard to say what sort of look. A Look. "We had sex on the hood of a police patrol car, right?"

"Yeah." Spike smirked. "And very good sex it was too, if I say so myself."

Her face softened momentarily, but then she glared again. "Still not the point."

Spike was wondering if there actually was one. "Enlighten me, do."

"We're having dinner with my mom tonight, right?"

Spike blinked. "Er….what's that got to do with anything?"

Buffy sighed. "She's gonna find out about it, right?"

"Doesn't have to.." Spike began, but Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Clem?"

"Oh. I'd forgotten him. Old Flappy-Gob. Yeah, she'll find out about it."

"See, I told you." Buffy put her face in her hands, groaning.

Spike sighed. He stuck the cigarette in his mouth again, sighed for a second time and put it away. Crossing to the chair, he perched on the arm and patted Buffy on the shoulder.

"Come on, love. It's not that bad. She won't blame you when there's me around to throw the book at. 'Sides, we are married."

He leaned down and nibbled her ear.

"Also, don't forget the coppers let us off with a caution after you killed that vamp sneakin' up on 'em. Can tell your mum there were extenuating circumstances, yeah? Hero-type ones."

Buffy's hands dropped away from her face. She gave him a pitying look.

"You still don't get it, do you? It's just mom's gonna be so smug."

"Smug?" Spike blinked. "You're right. I don't get it."

"When Mom had sex on a patrol car hood, she didn't get caught."

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
louise39
Mar. 23rd, 2011 04:44 pm (UTC)
The last line was a cutie!!
shapinglight
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Probably the best bit of it.
dorians_kitten
Mar. 23rd, 2011 04:52 pm (UTC)
Nice. I always love references to Band Candy and the activities therein.
shapinglight
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:24 pm (UTC)
Me too. It's a great episode.
rebcake
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:04 pm (UTC)
Every shining bonnet makes me think of my back on it. --Elastica

Joyce is going to be smug, and rightly so. However, she did have the advantage of having the whole town mystically not paying attention, which I'm sure is something Spike will be able to point out if it all gets too hot for Buffy.

Tee! This does make all sorts of sense.

Bloody humans – even if they were – inexplicably- his wife.

Oooh! I'm having fun trying to unpack that sentence. It's the "inexplicably" that's so much fun. Adverbs: comedy's friend.

Buffy would say "hood", though.
shapinglight
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:25 pm (UTC)
which I'm sure is something Spike will be able to point out if it all gets too hot for Buffy.

He may not be aware of it yet, but I sure he's about to find out.

Adverbs: comedy's friend.

I agree. About the only place they work.
quinara
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
Hee!! This is great - and very amusing. :D
shapinglight
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:38 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Quin. Should think some people might be a puzzled, though. Shouldn't really post ficlets that require someone to read a gazillionty other ficlets in order to understand them.
quinara
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:44 pm (UTC)
I don't know, I think 'a post-Something Blue AU' covers it. Maybe not Clem/Joyce, but you didn't need to know that to get the joke, just have seen SB and Band Candy. :)
shapinglight
Mar. 23rd, 2011 05:46 pm (UTC)
I guess so. Okay, I'll shut up apologising. :)
sarian71
Mar. 23rd, 2011 06:06 pm (UTC)
Hee!
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 01:54 pm (UTC)
:) Glad you enjoyed it.
gryfndor_godess
Mar. 23rd, 2011 06:06 pm (UTC)
This is awesome! I love how even though they're OTT, facets of their real personalities still shine through. Frex, Spike is still sarcastic and snarky and caring (trying to empathize with her embarrassment).

"'Course I understand!" Spike glared back this time – if in doubt, bluster. "We got caught by the local rozzers having public sex on the bonnet of their patrol car. S'embarrassing. Even vampires get that."

The last line is fantastic!
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 01:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) Glad their personalities didn't seem completely off the wall.
petzipellepingo
Mar. 23rd, 2011 06:16 pm (UTC)
"When Mom had sex on a patrol car bonnet, she didn't get caught."

"snorfle"
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 01:57 pm (UTC)
:) Have corrected 'bonnet' for 'hood' now. Embarrassing getting that wrong.
hello_spikey
Mar. 23rd, 2011 06:50 pm (UTC)
Heee! Lovely!

The latest in a long string of reasons Spike admires his mother-in-law. :)

shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 01:58 pm (UTC)
:) She's a very admirable person.
rahirah
Mar. 23rd, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Snerk!
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 01:58 pm (UTC)
:)
thisficklemob
Mar. 23rd, 2011 07:37 pm (UTC)
Haahhahahahaha.

And hey, maybe Joyce will be averse enough to discussing past shenanigans with the current beau present that she'll just be embarrassed herself.
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 02:00 pm (UTC)
maybe Joyce will be averse enough to discussing past shenanigans with the current beau present that she'll just be embarrassed herself.

You never know. Though Clem's so easy going he'd probably think it was cute.
moscow_watcher
Mar. 23rd, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
Heeee!

You made my day! :))))
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 02:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)
brutti_ma_buoni
Mar. 23rd, 2011 09:09 pm (UTC)
Heh. Joyce is so going to love this.
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 02:02 pm (UTC)
She really is. :)
lynnalso
Mar. 23rd, 2011 10:52 pm (UTC)
adorable but have to say Americans say "hood" not "bonnet." (sorry I am such a pedant)
rebcake
Mar. 24th, 2011 01:19 am (UTC)
Yeah, but then we get to picture a cop car with a gigantic prairie hat on it for extra giggles, right?
shapinglight
Mar. 24th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Hi. Thanks for pointing that out. I'd realised the error myself some time last night night but only just had the chance to change it.

Spike's still saying 'bonnet', though.
treadingthedark
Mar. 24th, 2011 12:40 am (UTC)
Ha ha ha!! Awesome.
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 02:03 pm (UTC)
Glad you liked it. :) And Buffy is now saying 'hood' rather than 'bonnet' which she should have been from the start.
estepheia
Mar. 24th, 2011 02:43 pm (UTC)
Lol
shapinglight
Mar. 25th, 2011 02:04 pm (UTC)
:waves: Glad you enjoyed it.
relurker
Sep. 2nd, 2011 05:53 pm (UTC)
Why didn't I comment on this back then???
Probably too busy laughing.
shapinglight
Sep. 5th, 2011 10:21 am (UTC)
:) Glad it made you laugh.
singedbylife
Jan. 26th, 2013 08:21 pm (UTC)
I'm reading this verse backwards but I still love it.
shapinglight
Feb. 11th, 2013 04:33 pm (UTC)
:)

I hope it works that way?
( 37 comments — Leave a comment )

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