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The First Rule (PG, Spike/Buffy)

Title The First Rule
Author Brutti ma buoni
Rating PG
Setting post-series
Prompt “It’s an ancient carving, they all look kinda weird…”

Her hand closes over Spike's just before he touches it.

"Spike? What's the first rule of Slayer club?"

He shivers internally, because she's right, of course. Think of Fred. Think of Angelus. Think of anyone else who ever touched an ancient carving (Rupert, for example, not dead but repeatedly concussed, usually with said carving ). But it doesn't do to let such feelings show.

"Don't touch mysterious objects without checking first," he says, reluctantly, but giving her the points verbally. "It's not exactly mysterious, love. Just a door."

"With faces on. And symbols. And this used to be a church, but it isn't anymore. So. Nope. This is the kind of place where hinky lives."

"And we are not at home to Mister Eerie," Spike parroted, automated. "Fuck, I hate teaching kids."

"Then maybe stop calling them kids?"

They've had this argument too. Spike maintains that when Buffy reaches 150 the Slayerettes will look like kids to her too. Buffy counters, as ever, by pointing out that she won't do that, so… And the pain silences him, while Buffy brandishes the Triumphant Fist of Mortal Death and Temporary Argument Winning. Spike vows, unoriginally, that he'll touch the first damned mysterious carving he can find, when that day comes. If he doesn't drink holy water, face the sunrise or piss off bloody Xander enough to merit the full stake job. One of the above, anyway. Not that he's given it a lot of thought.

They sit on a heap of gravestones, in the dregs of a deconsecrated churchyard, miserable ancient yews straggling in among wheelie bins and allocated parking, and a few more gravestones upright stacked against the far wall. It's not such a bad place, really. Nice and gloomy in the winter dusk, and with that tingling air of a once-sacred place that is no more.

Eventually, Giles calls back. Buffy takes it, pacing the small space as she listens. "Uh huh. Okay. … You think? Thanks!"

Blandly, she hangs up and sits back down beside Spike.

He waits. She resists. He crumbles. "And?"

"We're gonna wait for the realtor." Buffy pops a tictac out and licks it off her palm, ignoring Spike's huff of frustration.


"Because my phone takes crappy photos in this light and Giles can't make anything out. He thinks it's just 'generic rustic seventeenth century carving', but I'm thinking it's better if the realtor-"

"-estate agent-" (Not the first time he's said that, and Buffy's words flow right over it.)

"- touches first, and then there're two of us expert monster-killers on hand. Am I right?"

She smells minty fresh, as he brushes his lips over hers. "Deal. But I'm not going to live somewhere that doesn't have at least a little bit of a past, love. Nowhere too squeaky clean."

"I know." And she does sound decently sympathetic that things have come to this pass.

He looks down at the stacked headstones. Maybe there're enough tragedies here to make him comfortable. It is at least a little bit like the bad old days of Sunnydale. He just never really pictured himself getting a mortgage, is all. Slightly demonic surroundings are the least he's holding out for.

The estate agent's car pulls up at that point. It's a yellow mini covered in advertising slogans. Spike cheers up as she walks towards the door, waving merrily, keys at the ready.

He's ever perkier by the time they've unstuck her from the door's penumbral vortex, done some long-distance de-mojo-ing with Rupert on Buffy's increasingly flaky mobile signal, reversed the ageing process that had taken their contact near to an untimely death, and are sitting back in the Mini, looking at the particulars again.

"I, erm," says Serena, of Wilberforce & Woolley estate agency, sounding reasonably calm, considering. "I suppose you won't be wanting to view the property, now?" She pauses, and years of habit kick in. "Though I do know that the owners are keen to sell. And it meets all your specifications…"

Spike and Buffy exchange a considering glance. Three bed, two bath, smallish garden (but when do they have time for gardening), heavy surrounding foliage and lots of lovely north facing windows. Plus gravestones, a sense of lurking evil overcome, and within their price bracket?

The only problem is trying not to look too eager.



( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 10th, 2013 08:05 pm (UTC)
:D Very excellent!!! And house! After all the Point Horror books I consumed as a child, I've had something for creaky creepy houses... :D
Jun. 10th, 2013 08:16 pm (UTC)
All the best houses are at least a little bit creepy. Glad you liked it!
Jun. 10th, 2013 08:12 pm (UTC)
I love this! (she says with a huge grin on her face).
Jun. 10th, 2013 08:17 pm (UTC)
But, but.... is a terrible tragic tale (she says, poker-faced).

Jun. 10th, 2013 08:13 pm (UTC)
Okay, this is awesome! Love it! Especially the ending! Oh how utterly and completely perfect!

Jun. 10th, 2013 08:25 pm (UTC)
Aww, you're too sweet! Glad you liked it.
Jun. 10th, 2013 08:34 pm (UTC)
Teehee. :D
Jun. 10th, 2013 09:39 pm (UTC)
Jun. 11th, 2013 02:52 am (UTC)
ROFL I love it. (especially Spike's correcting her terminology - in one of my fics where Buffy bought a house in the UK, my beta (bless her) corrected my use of realtor, so I just had Buffy fumble with the right term several times) This is so perfect for them. :)
Jun. 11th, 2013 07:00 pm (UTC)
*g* Like having your own personal Britpicker vampire.
Jun. 11th, 2013 03:58 am (UTC)
"Nowhere too squeaky clean." **snickers**
Jun. 11th, 2013 07:00 pm (UTC)
*g* Thanks!
Jun. 11th, 2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
:D Spike and Buffy bring new charm to home shopping!

Lovely! *clap clap* Lots of very cute lines in this one.
Jun. 11th, 2013 09:32 pm (UTC)
LOL, that's great!
Jun. 11th, 2013 11:07 pm (UTC)

I do love the matter-of-fact way they unstick the realtor estate agent from the McGuffin. And she tries to sell them the house anyway...

Edited at 2013-06-11 11:08 pm (UTC)
Jun. 12th, 2013 02:18 am (UTC)

And bonus: now some poor dimwitted mortals won't buy the place and need to be rescued by Team Slayer.
Jun. 12th, 2013 03:06 am (UTC)
How enjoyable, with just the perfect amount of creepiness and enough of the not-ever-enough cuteness.
Lots of clever lines...and funny lines... and merely lovely.
Jun. 12th, 2013 04:18 am (UTC)
Yes. This is precisely how Buffy and Spike house hunting would go. Just the right balance of humour and cute and near disaster (with that little hint of future tragedy). I also have a deep admiration for Serena's persistence.
Jun. 12th, 2013 07:15 am (UTC)
Heh. Lovely understated demonic house hunting! Though I suspect they tipped their hand when they saved their real estate person with a minimum of fuss. Still, it's practically their duty to make sure no mundanes get the place! For their own safety, course!

Excellent entry, m'dear!
Jun. 17th, 2013 01:59 pm (UTC)
Lovely, lovely!

Slayer Club? Hee!
Jun. 24th, 2013 07:26 pm (UTC)
Love domestic Spuffy.
Jul. 8th, 2013 02:28 pm (UTC)
This is just the perfect balance of humor, creepiness and, as cherrytargaryen said "hint of future tragedy".

It's not such a bad place, really. Nice and gloomy in the winter dusk, and with that tingling air of a once-sacred place that is no more.

Thank goodness Spike ate that decorator once. (Although I hope his decorating skills are better than his sartorial sense.)

"I, erm," says Serena, of Wilberforce & Woolley estate agency, sounding reasonably calm, considering. "I suppose you won't be wanting to view the property, now?" She pauses, and years of habit kick in. "Though I do know that the owners are keen to sell. And it meets all your specifications…"


( 22 comments — Leave a comment )


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