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Fic: Sales Pitch

Title: Sales Pitch
Creator: drizzlydaze
Rating: PG
Setting: AtS S5
Word count: 719
Prompt: The November Men
A/N: I don’t know what this is, just felt like something different. (P.S. I actually dislike the idea of Shanshu, but hey, whatever works.)



We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you William the Bloody, disappointing vampires since 1880. We apologise for this abrupt change in track, but really, Angelus was getting boring. We know, we know, you’ve heard it all before: worthless human being gets turned, channels his energies into overcompensation in ways that are both badass and pathetic, gets all famed up. But we promise this is different.

He has a curse.

Yes, we’re still talking the Bloody. Not Angelus. Not nearly as dull.

William the Bloody has a curse.

He’s chained. Always has been, always will be. He struggles to break free, and struggles to bind himself more tightly. He’s thought of it as a curse at times, yes, but he’s never struggled so valiantly or for so long before he knew her.

Oh, we all know this one, so all together now: No, Spike. It’s gonna hurt a lot.

Truer words, eh? He should’ve listened. He tried to, later on, but again—curse. Let’s get to that now.

So when Spike realised he loved the Slayer, he denied. First reaction, you know, denying. But he’d never been good at that sort of thing, so the second thing he did was rage. The third thing he did was cry, because he knew he’d never be able to get out.

When he loves, he loves forever.

Sorry, we’ll spare you the dramatics. Can’t promise the same of him. We’ll drop a hint, though: the trick to getting him to stop is to tell him he’s brooding.

Here’s the box. We’re handing it around. Any changes? Yeah? Good man. Smart of you. Rest of you are a stuffy lot.

Let’s talk some more, then. Where were we? Right. Loved the Slayer. Oh, we’ve all seen the rest of this show, so let’s skip forward to the end. They hold hands, stare into each other’s eyes. She declares her love for him. He tells her—all together now!—No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.

Oh boy.

Handing the box round again. That scene’s gotta get something, right? Oh yeah.

Ahem. Moving on—like he thinks he’s doing. Fine. Not so fine, though, because… well, you know how humans lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling and such? The same thing occupies Spike every night regardless of his day. Same one. Someone. Don’t get anything if you guess who.

But the little twist in the story is that he doesn’t go to see her. Doesn’t call her. Doesn’t even let her know he’s undead and kicking.

Up till now, William the Bloody has never changed. He is cursed and chained, slaves away for the women in his life. But now, he changes.

Perhaps because the Slayer is different. The pain has been unbearable. Maybe because she’s too much. She’s finally managed to make him afraid. We’re not too sure what’s going on, because William the Bloody’s mind is a dangerous and marshy land.

But anyway. It’s more interesting now. Because William the Bloody has, one way or another, become something of a coward. Let’s add that to the list: pathetic, lovesick, impetuous, arrogant, fool, brute, coward.

Give him a hand, everyone! Least he managed to change! Some support, please? Nice.

Okay, let’s just take a quick look back at Angelus. Boring, plodding, he’s about as interesting to watch as paint dry. Dull as a table lamp, some may say. Plus, he’s got the whole belly-of-the-beast thing going on right now. Cancels out all the points he gained stopping Jasmine, if you ask me.         

So, Spike’s pretty good still, unfortunate pining aside, and he’s coming nicely into his own—

—What, I’m out of time? Haven’t even got to the pitch yet! Haven’t screened the time he beat down Angel, for one. And—alright, I get it, apocalypses wait for no man slash Power. Gotta get help down to the alley pronto, blah blah blah, big battle coming and rewards abound. Just saying, many’ve been backing the wrong vamp. Don’t chase me off, I’ll go, I’m going. One last shout out to all you Powers—betting pool’s closing, get the right Champion! Hint: it’s not the one with the Neanderthal brow—alright, I’m going!

Here’s betting I got enough ‘yay’s in this box to make that vamp a very happy man.


Comments

( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
slaymesoftly
Nov. 23rd, 2012 05:21 pm (UTC)
LOL - very clever.
drizzlydaze
Nov. 25th, 2012 06:41 am (UTC)
Thanks.
kikimay
Nov. 23rd, 2012 07:11 pm (UTC)
Very funny. Love the final line.
drizzlydaze
Nov. 25th, 2012 06:41 am (UTC)
Thank you.
waddiwasiwitch
Nov. 23rd, 2012 10:29 pm (UTC)
You captured Spike so perfectly here.
drizzlydaze
Nov. 25th, 2012 06:41 am (UTC)
Thanks.
spuffy_luvr
Nov. 24th, 2012 01:43 am (UTC)
Different indeed. But in a good way! Super fun to read, love the voice of the seller.
drizzlydaze
Nov. 25th, 2012 06:42 am (UTC)
Thank you! I had fun writing the seller.
zanthinegirl
Nov. 24th, 2012 06:01 am (UTC)
Oooh, I like! Very different format, but interesting. Nice job in capturing our hero!
drizzlydaze
Nov. 25th, 2012 06:42 am (UTC)
Thanks! Yeah, just felt like doing something different.
shapinglight
Nov. 28th, 2012 12:18 pm (UTC)
That was great. Very clever indeed. :)
red_satin_doll
Mar. 3rd, 2013 01:28 am (UTC)
LOVE the style and voice here, and the way you use language so particularly to great effect - clever, funny, sharply-observed and not quite like any other fic I've seen in this fandom. The humor reminds me a little of something my friend Kendra Saunders would write, which is very much a compliment. (Her humor is influenced by Neil Gaiman; is he one of your influences?)
drizzlydaze
Mar. 3rd, 2013 05:40 am (UTC)
I do like Neil Gaiman, but I wasn't thinking of him particularly while writing this. Maybe he's just rubbed off on me? Was worried this may be a bit gimmicky, though.
red_satin_doll
Mar. 4th, 2013 12:57 am (UTC)
Oh no, not gimmicky at all! I just recognized a quality to the style of humor only because my friend introduced me to his work, via his influence on her own writing. I eventually read "American Gods", which I put down halfway through and then some months later picked up again and thought was amazing when I finished it.

So if he's one of your influences, it's all to the good; and you needn't have been thinking of him consciously. What we've experienced (read/seen/felt) and hidden somewhere in the back the file cabinets of our subconscious is always still there to be drawn upon, whether we realize what we are doing or not, because it all becomes a part of us. And as we all have influences, why not have great ones?
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )

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