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Moaning Stones

Could've Been a Magic Moment

Rated PG13/R
Word Count 982
Summary: late season 6 ish? Buffy and Spike have gone to retrieve an important amulet that is hidden in a small cave.

“What are you doing?” Buffy’s whisper was more high-pitched than she’d intended.

“What am I doing? You’re the one doing all the bloody moaning. I’d think you’d have more consideration of my feelings—”

“I’m not the one making those... sounds. It has to be you; and I think it’s disgusting. Doing that while I’m right he—”

“It wasn’t me, you bloody bitch. And if it wasn’t you, then—”

“Oh. Then it wasn’t either one of us... Well, that’s... that’s good. I guess. I mean, it means neither one of us is....”

“Means neither one of us is havin’ as good a time as whatever’s making that noise.”

“Maybe... maybe it’s in... pain?” The moaning was getting louder.

“Does that sound like pain to you?” Spike snorted. “Whatever it is, it’s having a lot more fun than we are. If we’re lucky, it’s so busy being not-in-pain, it won’t notice when we grab the amulet and scamper the hell out of here.”

The sounds got louder as they crawled toward the box glowing just ahead of them.

“I don’t see why they couldn’t have put this thing in a real cave. You know, one that we can get in and out of in an upright position.”

“I’m kind of enjoying this position, pet.” Spike’s voice contained an audible leer.

“What? Why, oh you—”

“I offered to go first. But you were so bloody sure I was trying to get something over on you...”

“You just pretended you wanted to go first so that I’d say no and you could be behind me. That’s just... evil.”

“Vampire, pet.”

“What? Where? Ow!” Buffy stopped and rubbed her head where she’d whacked it against the ceiling.

“Here, you stupid bint. Vampire, evil? Ringing any bells, Slayer?”

“Fine, you go first then. Just grab the amulet and let’s get out of here.”

“Alright. No staring at my arse, though. Just flatten yourself against the wall so I can get by...” Suiting actions to words, he tried to get past her in the narrow space. Only to find himself pressed up against her squirming body. “Ah, Slayer, come on. That’s not even fair,” he groaned.

“I didn’t do it on purpose, you dope! The wall pushed me.”

“The wall pushed you? Oh that’s pathetic, even for you.”

“It did! I was all pressed against it so you could get by and then it just... pushed me.”

“Pushed you. Up against me. Just as I was sliding past you. Whatever, Slayer. Hold your breath so I can squeeze through here and grab that—ah, got it.” He tried to bring his arm down to put the amulet in his coat pocket, but something nudged the arm and he ended up with the amulet pressed up against Buffy’s hip. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Didn’t mean to do that.”

“It’s... “ Buffy sounded a little breathless as he kept moving his hand around trying to reach his own pocket. “It’s okay. Just put it in my pocket, since that’s where your hand is.”

“I think... alright, I got it. It’s in your pocket and I... I think these bloody walls are pressing us closer together.”

“I noticed that.” Buffy’s voice was breathy as she moved against him. “I’m trying to get loose, but—“

“But you’re going to drive me bloody crazy if you don’t stop that wigglin’ around!”

“I’m just trying to get us—what are you doing?”

“Nothing. I just thought if I moved my arms up like this, you’d have more room to—Bloody hell, Slayer!”

“I didn’t mean to do that!” Buffy’s voice was muffled, coming as it was from the vicinity of his crotch where she’d somehow slid to in her attempts to wriggle back out of the shrinking passage.

“Well, undo it, or I’m not responsible for—”

“Stop that!”

Obviously speaking through his gritted teeth, Spike growled, “Your bloody mouth is right by my—and you’re breathing hard. This is not something I’ve got any control over, luv.”

“Okay, okay. We can do this. We got in here, we can get out of—Will you stop that stupid moaning!”

“Wasn’t me.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the damn stones. They’re distracting me.”

“Getting a bit sidetracked myself,” he said, shifting his hips until she was no longer breathing directly on him. “Can you get out the rest of the way?”

“I think... so.... yeah! I’m almost... okay, I’m out. The walls aren’t pushing in on me anymore, so if I can turn around.... Okay, forget that. I’ll just back out. Can you move now? Are you coming?”

“Apparently not,” he sighed, sounding more aggrieved than relieved to be loose.

“Don’t be disgusting, Spike.”

“Says the woman who just spent the past ten minutes breathing on my long-suffering di—”

“Shut up, Spike. We are never speaking of this again.”

“Speak for yourself, Slayer. This is the closest I’ve come to getting laid in weeks. I’m going to savor the memory.”

The moans from the now normal-size tunnel walls had turned to something that sounded much more like complaining groans as Spike and Buffy worked their way back to the entrance. When they crawled out of the cave mouth, the moans turned to heart-broken shrieks before dying down completely.

“Do you think we killed it?”

“Don’t give a bloody damn. That cave tried to distract us by making us think about.... I hope it’s dead.”

“Was that so awful? I mean, thinking about....”

“Not for you maybe. I’m going be to walking funny until I can get home and have myself a good wank.”

“Ewww, Spike. Way to spoil the moment.” Buffy huffed and turned around to walk away. Spike watched her stalk off, back stiff, before he realized what she’d said.

“Wait! What? We were having a moment? Why didn’t I know? Buffy? Wait!”

The end.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 26th, 2012 03:07 am (UTC)
Oh geez, that's just awesome!!! (Million more exclamation points).

And here I would have had zombie Rolling Stones. Sexy Moaning Stones = vastly superior.
Oct. 26th, 2012 03:23 am (UTC)
That's pretty funny, actually - zombie Rolling Stones! I like it!
Oct. 26th, 2012 03:45 am (UTC)
LOL Very clever! (You, that is...not Spike... Spike, as usual, is suffering from foot-in-mouth disease!)
Oct. 26th, 2012 02:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *waves* having a really busy weekend and will be doing the dog show thing all weekend and watching a "Frankenstorm" come ashore to wipe out the electricity and my internet, so I may disappear for a few days. I miss you!
Oct. 26th, 2012 04:07 am (UTC)
Hee! I'm having way too much fun ruminating on just what type of cave held the moaning stones. Seemed to have Spuffy intent.

Great dialogue, sweetie! So, so fun!
Oct. 26th, 2012 02:55 pm (UTC)
It definitely was hoping for more action than it got! LOL Glad you liked it. :)
Oct. 26th, 2012 05:21 am (UTC)
Ooooh! They're not just Moaning Stones! They're Moaning Spuffy Stones!


“Oh. Then it wasn’t either one of us... Well, that’s... that’s good. I guess. I mean, it means neither one of us is....”

Hah! Methinks Buffy sounds a wee bit disappointed. ;-)

“Vampire, pet.”

“What? Where? Ow!” Buffy stopped and rubbed her head where she’d whacked it against the ceiling.


Loved it!

Oct. 26th, 2012 02:52 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you did. Thanks for telling me so!
Oct. 26th, 2012 11:07 am (UTC)
Hee! That was hilarious! (though claustrophobic).
Oct. 26th, 2012 02:46 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you got a giggle from it. I just wasn't feeling angsty and horror-ish. :)
Oct. 27th, 2012 04:53 pm (UTC)
Hee! Very cute, and very in character for Our Heroes at this point in canon. though I have to admit to being a little distracted by claustrophic-ness. Wall pressing in = nightmare time!
Oct. 28th, 2012 12:35 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm sure those closing walls made a lot of readers flinch. Fortunately, Spike and Buffy were otherwise distracted...
Nov. 2nd, 2012 12:32 am (UTC)
heeee. Naughty, naughty cave walls. :D

Poor deprived cave walls when they escape!
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )


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