Setting: AtS, S5, while Spike is still ghostly
A/N: Okay, this is REALLY weird, but hopefully somebody will enjoy it. I adore 'Fiddler on the Roof', so of course I had to try to fiddle (haha!) with the words to 'If I Were a Rich Man". The result is... interesting. And hello, fiddling vampire icon? It's like fate. Not sure what medium it counts as.
A/N2: You know how they say you can have an LSD/acid flashback years later? Well, imagine Sweet's singing curse is like that. Spike and Buffy are simultaneously afflicted out of the blue, and they sing a duet from across the world. Buffy's lines are in pink and Spike's are in blue. I'm sexist like that.
A/N3: The video will give you the tune if you're not familiar. Trying to superimpose your voice singing my new-and-unimproved lyrics over Topol's singing is an exercize in something or other. Probably only to be attempted with a drink in hand. And PLEASE. Imagine our heroes doing the Rich Man dance.
Dear God, you made many, many lonely people
I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be lonely.
But it’s no great honor either!
So what would have been so terrible if my vamp had lived?
If I were a witch-man.
A poncy poofy bugger dugger dibber dibby dibby dum
All day long I’d snarl gurgle growl
If I were a witchy-man!
I wouldn’t have to vamp out.
No bloody drinking bloody bloody deedle deedle blood.
If I were a sodding bloody witch,
Poncy poofter bugger magic-man
I’d build a great big shop with rooms full of herbs,
And sell to the witches in the town.
A fine old shop where burba weed overflowed.
I could flick my fingers and recorporalize ghosts,
Even when the scientists have all failed,
And reduce to ashes all my poncy foes.
(Go to top of next column)
I’d fill my yard with spells and curses and traps and wards
To catch those who’d harm my girl.
So she and I could finally be alone.
And each loud “Oh” and “yesss” and “Spike” and “please”
Would land like a trumpet on the ear!
As if to say “Here lives a lucky man!”
If I were a witch, man.
Abracadabra Mote it Be and Dibby Dibby Dum!
All day long I’d Bippy Boppy Boo.
If I were a witch – hey man!
I could resurrect a dead vamp,
Say to Osiris let him go, just like Willow did to me.
If I were a spiffy Spuffy witch,
I’d get my wild beguiled man.
I’d see my Spike, my vampire, alive (I meant undead),
With a proper set of fangs!
Drinking and smoking to his heart’s delight.
I’d see him putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oh, what a happy mood he’s in!
Insulting Xander all the day and night!
The demons of the world would quail and fall beneath our feet.
The gang would ask us to advise them.
Like Solomon the Wise-man.
If you please, Madame Slayer.
Pardon me, Mr. Vampire.
Posing problems that would cross old Giles’ eyes!
And it won’t make one bit of difference if we answer right or wrong -
When you’re a witch they think you really know!
If I were a witch I’d have the body I lack,
To go and leave this stinking town.
Leave Angel and his pack of bloody fools.
I’d flee to Europe, to Buffy, make my girl so
happy seven hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all…
If I were a witch, man,
I’d be a better witch than rest of dibby dibby dibby dem.
All day long I’d have kissy kissy fun,
When I had my healthy vamp!
I wouldn’t have to be sad,
I miss that wild, trialed, styled, crazy, crazy sexy man.
Lord who made the lion and the lamb.
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan,
If I were a healthy man?